250620
250620
車で出かける。私をいれて3人。3人のうちの1人は、男か女か分からない。なぜか忘れたが、その人を迎えに行く、だったか。たこ焼きになっていてもおかしくないほどの急な下り坂の途中に車を停める。軽っぽい車。たしか、黒やえんじ色のような車。そして、いざ宴会場へ。生い茂る草を左手に坂を登りきって、左の角を曲がるとそこにある。生い茂る草の敷地内といった説明が正しいか。
まだ宴会は始まってはおらず、だべっている段階。建物の全容は分からないけど、すごく広い。一番初めの入り口は狭いけど。すぐ側では、割と中くらいの大きさの部屋で、2、3個年上の大学時代のサークルの先輩が集っている。入り口の外は大きくひらけていて、遊具のようなものもある。皆個々に、集団になって時間を楽しんでいる感じ。入り口から通路、行き止まりは一直線になっていて、全て部屋は通路の右側に並んでいる。宴会場のような空間は5個ほどあったか。全て入り口を背に見て右に長く伸びていて、長机と座布団といった感じ。一番奥の部屋だけ、通路に則して長く伸びている。そこでは不可思議なブロンドの外国人たちが宴を楽しんでいた。私は暫く話した後、そろそろ行かなければと入り口に戻って靴を探す。しかし、そうだ、靴は2つ目あたりの宴会場の縁側のところで脱ぎ捨ててある。そこに、大学時代付き合っていた人が登場。彼と、そのほかの人たちも。何を話したか忘れたが、宴会場に入るみたい。そういえば出際に先輩に謎にキレられた。宴会は始まっているのに勝手な行動を取るな、と。
靴を取るために大きな通路を小股で、スピーディに走る。一度突き当たりまで行って引き返して、するとありそうな小部屋を発見。一度開かれた飲み会が終わって、皆散らばったような部屋。縁側で数人女がだべっている。大学時代の友達数人と、幼稚園小学校で一番仲が良かった友達。少しからんだ。靴が縁側と地面の間に落ちそうになっていて、そこは深くて深くて落ちたら出られないような土色の空洞。一気にひらけている。あまり重力を感じなかったが、落ちそうになるもなんとかしがみついて、靴をゲットする。そしたら東大院に通う友達のマシンガントーク。途中まで聞いていたが、ひと段落したところで人を待たせている旨を言い、今度聞くねと謝って、ダッシュで車を停めた所へ戻る。もう外は真っ暗で、車が見当たらない。置いていかれたかと思い引き返し出すと、こちらに進んでくる車を発見。あれだ。少し怒っている。
謝り倒した。3人のうちの1人はなんと女性。先輩チックな。静かな良識ある女風の。正直、あまりいけすかない印象。だが私はその人にも謝り倒す。もう1人の男性が私をずっと非難するような姿勢を取っていて、私は少し不機嫌。ずっと早く戻ろうと思い自分なりに頑張って走ったりしたから。とか心の中で考えている。
車が走り出す。下り坂を下っていく。
歯磨きを車の中で初めて、乗ったまま外でうがいをしようと思ったが、また同乗する男にあれこれ言われたくないな…とか思った。ちなみに場所はガソリンスタンド。
場面が変わる。
白い机の上。汚したらダメな机、汚したら誤解される机。この時のマインドは、なんとなくイメージだと子供とか、子供がいる母親。シミが付かないように汚れたら拭き取りを繰り返すが、コーヒーのシミのようなものが付いている。取れない。… 取れないことに、恐らく一生拭えない汚点等の存在の隠喩だが、絶望する。それでも生きていく、やっていく。そう謎に後ろにいるラッパーにラップ調で励まされる。
起床。
2024/12/22
まだ宴会は始まってはおらず、だべっている段階。建物の全容は分からないけど、すごく広い。一番初めの入り口は狭いけど。すぐ側では、割と中くらいの大きさの部屋で、2、3個年上の大学時代のサークルの先輩が集っている。入り口の外は大きくひらけていて、遊具のようなものもある。皆個々に、集団になって時間を楽しんでいる感じ。入り口から通路、行き止まりは一直線になっていて、全て部屋は通路の右側に並んでいる。宴会場のような空間は5個ほどあったか。全て入り口を背に見て右に長く伸びていて、長机と座布団といった感じ。一番奥の部屋だけ、通路に則して長く伸びている。そこでは不可思議なブロンドの外国人たちが宴を楽しんでいた。私は暫く話した後、そろそろ行かなければと入り口に戻って靴を探す。しかし、そうだ、靴は2つ目あたりの宴会場の縁側のところで脱ぎ捨ててある。そこに、大学時代付き合っていた人が登場。彼と、そのほかの人たちも。何を話したか忘れたが、宴会場に入るみたい。そういえば出際に先輩に謎にキレられた。宴会は始まっているのに勝手な行動を取るな、と。
靴を取るために大きな通路を小股で、スピーディに走る。一度突き当たりまで行って引き返して、するとありそうな小部屋を発見。一度開かれた飲み会が終わって、皆散らばったような部屋。縁側で数人女がだべっている。大学時代の友達数人と、幼稚園小学校で一番仲が良かった友達。少しからんだ。靴が縁側と地面の間に落ちそうになっていて、そこは深くて深くて落ちたら出られないような土色の空洞。一気にひらけている。あまり重力を感じなかったが、落ちそうになるもなんとかしがみついて、靴をゲットする。そしたら東大院に通う友達のマシンガントーク。途中まで聞いていたが、ひと段落したところで人を待たせている旨を言い、今度聞くねと謝って、ダッシュで車を停めた所へ戻る。もう外は真っ暗で、車が見当たらない。置いていかれたかと思い引き返し出すと、こちらに進んでくる車を発見。あれだ。少し怒っている。
謝り倒した。3人のうちの1人はなんと女性。先輩チックな。静かな良識ある女風の。正直、あまりいけすかない印象。だが私はその人にも謝り倒す。もう1人の男性が私をずっと非難するような姿勢を取っていて、私は少し不機嫌。ずっと早く戻ろうと思い自分なりに頑張って走ったりしたから。とか心の中で考えている。
車が走り出す。下り坂を下っていく。
歯磨きを車の中で初めて、乗ったまま外でうがいをしようと思ったが、また同乗する男にあれこれ言われたくないな…とか思った。ちなみに場所はガソリンスタンド。
場面が変わる。
白い机の上。汚したらダメな机、汚したら誤解される机。この時のマインドは、なんとなくイメージだと子供とか、子供がいる母親。シミが付かないように汚れたら拭き取りを繰り返すが、コーヒーのシミのようなものが付いている。取れない。… 取れないことに、恐らく一生拭えない汚点等の存在の隠喩だが、絶望する。それでも生きていく、やっていく。そう謎に後ろにいるラッパーにラップ調で励まされる。
起床。
2024/12/22
I go out by car. It’s in total three people including me. I don't know if one of them is either a
male or a female. I don’t remember why, but we are on our way to pick someone up, if i’m not
mistaken. We park our car in the middle of a steep downhill slope that could have been takoyaki. (
Because we make a road rough when the slope is too steep and we call it takoyaki.) The car is K. ( K
means that the car doesn’t consume that much of fuel compare to normal cars. We call that type of
car K. ) It is a black or crimson car as far as I remember. And then we finally head to a
banquet hall.
Climbing up the hill with the lush grass, turning the corner on the left, and there is a banquet hall. It might be accurate to say the site is surrounded by the bush of thick grass. The party hasn’t started yet, everyone is just nattering. I cannot figure out the picture of the whole property, but I can tell it’s massive. The first entrance is narrow though. My senior friends from my uni who are 2 or 3 years older than me are gathering themselves in a circle in a relatively middle-size room. The outside of the door (of the entrance) is opened widely, and there is something like a playing equipment. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves as a group. It’s aligned from the entrance through the corridor to the end, having all rooms on the right side. There are five of them that are equally big as banquet halls. All are long extended to the right when viewed from the entrance, and only the furthest room is stretched along with the corridor. I can see some people enjoying their party. They are weirdly blond. I visit some rooms and talk for a while with someone and start looking for my shoes going back to the entrance because it was the time to leave. But then, I realise I’ve taken off my shoes on the edge of the second banquet hall I visited. I bump into a guy I dated when I was in uni there suddenly, and the rest of the people. I cannot remember clearly but they are trying to get in one of the rooms. I leave anyways, making one of my senior friends annoyed unintentionally. He insists I am selfish enough to leave the party when it's already started. But it is not my business unfortunately.
I run quickly to get my shoes back crossing the main road. I get to the dead end and come back again, and I find a tiny room that I remember. I think this room must be it. The party for the room has been over, and everything is scattered there. Some girls are chatting on the side. Some are the people I know from my uni, and the rest are my closest friends in my preschool. I chat for a bit with them.
I find my shoes are about to fall between the ground and the edge, and that earth-colored cavity is telling me that I will never be able to get out from there if I fall. It widely opens at all once just from under the surface. I don’t feel gravity but I barely manage to get my shoes back with me and try not to fall. In the next moment, I am listening to my friend who is smart and talking like a machine gun. I listen for a while but end up saying “Someone is waiting for me, Let's chat next time” and go straight back to where we parked our car. It is already so dark outside I cannot find the car. I think I might have been left and start going back, but I find a car coming over. That should be for me. They are a bit mad.
I just keep apologising to them and notice that one of them that I couldn't tell if it was she or he is a female. She looks older than me, and sensible. I’m instinctively not a big fan of her to be honest, but I apologise to her as well. One of the guys has been aggressive, which makes me feel uncomfortable, because I tried my best to come back to the car. That’s what I’m thinking.
The car starts moving down the hill.
I starts brushing my teeth, and I refrain myself from gargling in the car because I don’t want him to complain about me anymore. We arrive in a petrol station. The scene changes.
There is a white desk in front of me. The desk that nobody shouldn’t get any dirts on, otherwise you will be misunderstood in any way. The mindset at the time is the one that a kid or a mom of a son has in a poor village. I try not to leave any marks and even if I happen to leave any stain I scrub it really hard. But one time it doesn’t come off. That mark is a metaphor of a flaw in life that stays for good, which makes me despair. “But still, your life goes on. You gotta carry on..” A rapper behind sings to cheer me up.
Awake
22/12/2024
Climbing up the hill with the lush grass, turning the corner on the left, and there is a banquet hall. It might be accurate to say the site is surrounded by the bush of thick grass. The party hasn’t started yet, everyone is just nattering. I cannot figure out the picture of the whole property, but I can tell it’s massive. The first entrance is narrow though. My senior friends from my uni who are 2 or 3 years older than me are gathering themselves in a circle in a relatively middle-size room. The outside of the door (of the entrance) is opened widely, and there is something like a playing equipment. Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves as a group. It’s aligned from the entrance through the corridor to the end, having all rooms on the right side. There are five of them that are equally big as banquet halls. All are long extended to the right when viewed from the entrance, and only the furthest room is stretched along with the corridor. I can see some people enjoying their party. They are weirdly blond. I visit some rooms and talk for a while with someone and start looking for my shoes going back to the entrance because it was the time to leave. But then, I realise I’ve taken off my shoes on the edge of the second banquet hall I visited. I bump into a guy I dated when I was in uni there suddenly, and the rest of the people. I cannot remember clearly but they are trying to get in one of the rooms. I leave anyways, making one of my senior friends annoyed unintentionally. He insists I am selfish enough to leave the party when it's already started. But it is not my business unfortunately.
I run quickly to get my shoes back crossing the main road. I get to the dead end and come back again, and I find a tiny room that I remember. I think this room must be it. The party for the room has been over, and everything is scattered there. Some girls are chatting on the side. Some are the people I know from my uni, and the rest are my closest friends in my preschool. I chat for a bit with them.
I find my shoes are about to fall between the ground and the edge, and that earth-colored cavity is telling me that I will never be able to get out from there if I fall. It widely opens at all once just from under the surface. I don’t feel gravity but I barely manage to get my shoes back with me and try not to fall. In the next moment, I am listening to my friend who is smart and talking like a machine gun. I listen for a while but end up saying “Someone is waiting for me, Let's chat next time” and go straight back to where we parked our car. It is already so dark outside I cannot find the car. I think I might have been left and start going back, but I find a car coming over. That should be for me. They are a bit mad.
I just keep apologising to them and notice that one of them that I couldn't tell if it was she or he is a female. She looks older than me, and sensible. I’m instinctively not a big fan of her to be honest, but I apologise to her as well. One of the guys has been aggressive, which makes me feel uncomfortable, because I tried my best to come back to the car. That’s what I’m thinking.
The car starts moving down the hill.
I starts brushing my teeth, and I refrain myself from gargling in the car because I don’t want him to complain about me anymore. We arrive in a petrol station. The scene changes.
There is a white desk in front of me. The desk that nobody shouldn’t get any dirts on, otherwise you will be misunderstood in any way. The mindset at the time is the one that a kid or a mom of a son has in a poor village. I try not to leave any marks and even if I happen to leave any stain I scrub it really hard. But one time it doesn’t come off. That mark is a metaphor of a flaw in life that stays for good, which makes me despair. “But still, your life goes on. You gotta carry on..” A rapper behind sings to cheer me up.
Awake
22/12/2024